Written By Alvin (Lee) Fleming



Green Gilbert Lives: Gilbert Muff was born at a very early age, and led a very sheltered life for most of his early days. To look at him no-one would have thought he was a multipartite genius, with degrees in Mufti, Mullah and Zoroastrianism, as he appeared to be an ordinary little man, with glasses and a rather large inferiority complex, but the truth of the matter was that he was an ordinary little man with glasses and an immense inferiority complex.

Gilbert however did have one goal in life, he was rather good at chemistry, and wanted to become an atomic scientist. His Aunty, to encourage him, had given him a chemistry set the previous Christmas, and this was his pride and joy.

One day Gilbert was in his lavatory, changing some blue water to green by adding yellow,(he was clever like that) when he accidentally knocked over his test tube, which spilt all over an open Airwick bottle he'd foolishly left lying on the floor. "Blatoomb….Karumphfff…Splut!" The lavatory erupted with a loud eruption.

Gilbert stirred among the debris of his ruptured lavatory. "Grunt..Korfull..Choke..Kaplotz", he grumbled, as he picked himself up, but to Gilbert's surprise he felt no pain . He tried pricking himself with a sharp bristle off of a lavatory brush, but still he felt no pain. Even when he banged his head on the cistern he felt no pain. Something had happened during the explosion, Gilbert had become invulnerable!

Gilbert rushed down stairs to tell his Auntie, but in his excitement he tripped on the first step. To his surprise instead of falling, he floated down to the bottom. Gilbert had become lighter than air! Gilbert could hardly believe his luck. "No, this is more than luck, he thought to himself, "it's fate, fate has decreed me to be a Super Hero!!, and a Super Hero Gilbert would be. Green Gilbert Lives!

GREEN GILBERT VERSUS ICARUS During the following few weeks Gilbert prepared everything for his Super-hero-ship. He swore his Auntie to secrecy, and she fashioned an outfit for a Green Gilbert, and then one day, reading a certain underground paper Green Gilbert came face to face with his first adversary.

It appeared a large lump of rock, on an unpredictable orbit, was threatening the Earth. Scientists had predicted that if this rock, which they called Icarus, collided with the Earth, it would more than likely knock Earth off its orbit. "This could mean disaster", thought Gilbert, cleverly assessing the situation. "I must look into this as GREEN GILBERT!"


Gilbert's Auntie packed him some sandwiches and a flask and went to the roof to see him off on his first assignment. She told him to be careful and kissed him on the check. Excitedly Green Gilbert sprang from the roof, "Up, Up and Away", he shouted, mimicking one of his favourite Super partners. Unfortunately Green Gilbert's flying powers had to rely on his take-off spring, concealed in his Peter Pan boots, and the direction of the wind. Therefore, after ten minutes he found himself flying dangerously low over a housing estate. People started shouting at him and waving their fists as he floated along, gathering clothes-lines, dustbin lids and T.V. aerials, which didn't help his buoyancy; but before long he sighted the "Planet Observatory" which cheered him up, and so Green Gilbert prepared to land. Unknown to him the Observatory had already spotted him through one of their telescopes, and scientists were rushing around, preparing to greet what they thought was a man from outer space.

Gilbert increased his gravity on his weight-belt, this was done by spitting into a packet of instant potato mix, the solid potato being heavier than the flakes, thus he started to descend, "Possibly a little too fast", he thought.


Gilbert crashed through the dome of the Observatory and landed amid a circle of inquisitive scientists. Wiping the potato from his face he stood up proudly and said, "I'm Green Gilbert!" "Where do you come from?" , said one of the scientists. "That", said Gilbert "is a secret, but I am here to help you with Icarus." The scientists mumbled excitedly, and then proceeded to tell him what they had done about Icarus so far.


Apparently, the Americans had sent a missile to blow it up, under the publicity cover of an unmanned moon rocket; but one of the engines failed and caused the missile to miss its target. The scientists said they thought Icarus to be more than a lump of rock, they considered that it was a manned craft of some kind, thus explaining the failure of the American Rocket. As the scientists talked, Green Gilbert assessed that he didn't understand what they were saying, so to save time and embarrassment he butted in. "I know all this, I've been viewing the situation from afar", he lied, "so how can I help with this Icarus problem?".

The eldest of the scientists stepped forward and surveyed Gilbert. "You could be the answer to all our prayers. "he said. "We, like the Americans, have built a rocket, but it is to be manned by a spaceman who we have not yet chosen. The rocket contains many weapons and devices to enable the operator to destroy Icarus, but no-one is strong enough to overcome the great stress of the take-off of such a ship." "I am invulnerable." Said Gilbert proudly. "Lead me to the rocket, we must waste no time."

The take off was a piece of cake for Gilbert, and for the first hour of flight he studied the equipment on the rocket. Suddenly the ship started to shake and a tremendous noise filled Gilbert's ears. He rushed to the control seat and strapped himself in; but as suddenly as it had started, the shuddering stopped. Gilbert rushed to the porthole and quivered as he saw why. An enormous hand spanning at least a mile, was clutching the ship: and then behind him Gilbert heard a hissing noise. It was the air-lock, something was coming in…………. What could it be? What did it want with Green Gilbert?

"HISSSSZZZZZZHUMMMMMMMMMMMM…..DONK!" went the airlock. Green Gilbert faced the yet unopened inner door, with a grim expression on his face, which he had previously decided to wear during such tense moments. The inner door opened slowly and Green Gilbert stood face to face with the most mind blowing experience he had ever encountered. It at first appeared to be a sort of three dimensional light show left over by the Pink Floyd after the building had been burnt down by the Move; but on closer inspection it did seem to have a definite outline.

The light show spoke, "Green Gilbert, I presume ?". "Yes". Quaked Gilbert, trying to access where it hit. "Have no fear". The light show said, making Gilbert feel quite rightly inferior. "My name is unimportant as my race have no need for such things, but for reasons of reference you may call me Captain Snott. Green Gilbert winced as he realized that he was facing one of those ultimately boring superior beings like you see in second rate space films, who was going to spend all his time telling him how inferior he was compared to their race. "I understand", said Gilbert, trying to keep his cool. "I suppose that you have only taken on the appearance that you have, because I would not be able to comprehend your normal appearance" he added, getting completely hung up on an inferior kick. "Yes", said Captain Snott, bringing Green Gilbert down even further. "But no matter there are more important things to discuss." "Take me to your leader". Gilbert shouted, trying to impress the light show. "Certainly", said Captain Snott turning towards the exit. "Do not worry my energy radiations will enable you to walk in outer space." "What a rotten trick", thought Green Gilbert as he sped towards the Earth, not realizing what a twit he was for falling for it. So approaching the speed of 166.8 m.p.h. in a downward direction, and having had his space ship stolen, Green Gilbert decided this was cause for desperate measures. By asserting all his mental powers, and by using a gadget which is too complicated to explain. Green Gilbert stopped falling and proceeded to go in an upwards direction back to his rocket ship. "This time", he thought "I will ignore Captain Snott and find out what's at the bottom, or the shoulders, whichever the case may be, of the enormous hand which was clutching my space ship." 

Green Gilbert arrived safely, you'll be glad to hear, back on his interplanetary craft, and decided to eavesdrop on what was going on inside. He peered through the porthole and observed that there were several light shows talking to each other and so he thought it wise to listen. "Boy did we put one over on that goon in the Peter Pan suit". Said Captain Snott, "He really fell for that." "Yes" replied one of the other light shows, "but what's the plan now that he's out the way." "The plan is this", said Captain Snott, revelling in the authority he was commanding. "We will land on Earth in a suitable explosion to make people take notice, at a time numerologically worked out to do likewise, and declare we are the new Messiahs. Thus enabling us to have complete control over the people of the world."

"So", thought Green Gilbert, "it's beginning to fall into place." "I must plan my next move carefully", he said out aloud rather foolishly. He considered bursting in, Batman and Robin style, but decided against it, as these tactics seemed only to work for the Dynamic Duo, and besides he had already ascertained he wouldn't know how to hit them; or he could keep in hiding and wait for the right moment to pounce, so to speak. He decided in favour of the latter and proceeded to find an adequate hiding place.

Unfortunately while all this shrewd thinking had bee going on, Gilbert had completely forgotten about the gigantic hand and whatever it was attached to, but even more unfortunately for Green Gilbert the hand, and whatever was attached had not forgotten him. Suddenly, Green Gilbert was grasped from behind by an enormous pair of tweezers and found himself being whisked up through space at a tremendous rate of speed……Then the motion stopped and Gilbert found himself dangling in outer space, he shuddered as he saw the face of what was holding him like a dead fly. It was like a red and yellow brain with one big eye, and a great gaping chasm of a mouth containing razor sharp teeth. Suddenly, to his horror Gilbert felt himself being drawn towards this cavern-like mouth and realized that he was about to be Eaten…………. THE QUEER AFFAIR

Although Green Gilbert was invulnerable, the thought of entering the chasm resembling a mouth made him feel somewhat uneasy; but as he came closer to this rather unpleasant happening, it became more and more apparent that, that which he feared was rapidly becoming inevitable. Thus worked Green Gilbert's mind, as he was released from the tweezers and plunged into the gaping oral-opening. But as he bounced off the extremely large tongue, he realized that the interior of this seemingly grotesque creature was in fact rather pleasant. As he slid down what he assumed to be the gullet, it reminded him of a journey to see Santa Clause he had made in a large department store, when he was in his youth the year before. He seemed to float down through an ever changing haze of pastel lights, which caressed his body like cotton wool clouds, sending him into a transcendental sea of ecstacy. Floooommmmmppppphhhhh, as if in slow motion, Green Gilbert finally landed on what seemed to be a thousand feather mattresses. "Where am I? What is this strange place?" Gilbert burbled to himself.

But even as his last question mark echoed round the large, misty, cave-like room, a large booming voice echoed back, "I am the Fate Commander of San Francisco. I control everything concerning environment in the city of San Francisco. Every city in the world has its own Fate Commander, and until recently, I was the best and kindest Fate Commander in the world. But now I, and in fact my city, faces a grave danger, which is why I got in touch with the London Fate Commander, which in turn brought about the chain of events, which gave you the super powers and eventually brought you here.

Gilbert was surprised at the way he was able to comprehend all this, normally he would have thought he was going mad, as he very often did; but there was something in the atmosphere of this strange place he was in that made everything seem real and truthful. Again the Fate-Commander spoke, "What you are experiencing is a concentrated dose of the atmosphere which I have given to San Francisco, as you are the Atmosphere Generating Plant of my system". "Fantastic", said Gilbert, suddenly realizing where it was at. "Well you've done a lot for me, what can I do for you?" , which is a typically San Franciscan thing to say.

The Fate-Commander did speak, verily. "The light-show creatures you have recently encountered are in fact the evil parts of my mind which normally I keep suppressed, but owing to a space warp created by the forming of Icarus, my evil subconscious has become a separate self governing entity; and unless you can help me intervene with their plans, they who have appointed themselves Fate-Commander of their creator Icarus, will send the planetold crashing into San Francisco, to undo all the good I have done".

"What can be done to stop them and how can I help?" Gilbert asked. Suddenly, the warm glow in the atmosphere dropped and Green Gilbert felt a sense of fear coming from the Fate-Commander.

"I'm sorry about that", said the Fate-Commander, "that was a natural reaction because of the task I have set for you. It also means that the people of San Francisco are now aware of their impending fate, so there is no time to loose. About 50 years ago there was a similar occurrence, which resulted in the San Francisco earthquake, and we were told that if this was to occur again, we were to contact none other than the Great Master Himself; but unfortunately, wherever I go a member of the evil entity will follow, and when any evil is present it is impossible to enter Nirvana, which is a state of mind one must enter before the ultimate confrontation. In a nutshell, your task is to enter Nirvana and relate all this to God…… "Let's get down to it then", said Gilbert, assuming an immense amount of authority. "Where do I go?" "You don't go anywhere", answered the Fate-Commander, "not in the literal sense. First we have to get you in the correct layer of consciousness. Just lie down and relay, I will help you think of nothing but good. Are you relaxed?, are you relaxed, are you relaxed……… Myridic, Synoptic, Dissonant, Opaque, Spherical, Retinas, Reflections……… Hello Gilbert said God !

Green Gilbert in the presence of God; God Only Knows: Gilbert was not surprised to find that God spoke with an Oxford English Accent, after all what else; but he was fearful to lift his head to actually see what he was talking to, he expected an immense holy figure bathed in swirling, blue light, but as he humbly looked up he was surprised to see a pleasant little man with grey hair and a handlebar moustache, who was sitting in a wicker rocking chair, smoking a woodbine.

"I have an important message for you", said Gilbert. "Don't worry about it", God answered smiling, "I know all about it, and it's nothing to worry about". "But what are you going to do", Gilbert said anxiously. "Don't worry", God repeated, "it's all going to plan, I move in strange ways you know. Have a Woody and relax while you're here". "Thank You, but I prefer menthol", said Gilbert. God worked a minor miracle and Gilbert sat back and enjoyed a menthol woodbine. "Do you play chess?" God enquired. "Yes", said Gilbert. 

GREEN GILBERT - The Final Chapter 

"O.K. I'll give you a game". A chess board appeared from nowhere. "You be black" said God, "I always play white, it's better for my image you know". God moved his King's pawn to Bishop 4 and Gilbert checked his move by moving his Knight 6, so Gilbert obviously moved Kings Knight to Archbishop 12. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening struck Gilbert's Knight at Queen 4, and God moved Queen's Bishop Knights to King's Pawns 27, castle-ing his King and whipping his moustache. Gilbert, wondered if this was fair, but decided to pretend it had never happened, he moved his Castle's Rook to Queen's Black Bishop 39, and uttered "Check". God summoned a minor earthquake, or a heaven-quake, depending on how you look at it, and made Gilbert's Queen disappear in smoke. This was too much for Gilbert, he stood up and shouted, "you're cheating". "No I'm not" said God, "I move in strange ways". "I'm fed up with that excuse", said Gilbert, "that's not strange, it's cheating". "Ah! So you've sussed", said God, I'm glad somebody has, if the truth were known, I don't know at all what I'm doing. People keep bringing me all these problems and I don't know what to do with them, I don't know what happens on earth, I only built the thing, I don't know how it works, that's why I made Harold Wilson, but even that doesn't seem to be working". "Oh", said Gilbert, pretending to gather the gravity of the situation. "Anyway", said God, I won the chess game so there". "Alright", said Gilbert, "if that makes you happy, you won the chess game, but I lost it, you didn't". "Ah, but I made you loose it". "No you didn't, that's where you're wrong, I made you win it". God stepped back at this remark and looked rather annoyed, he pointed a finger at Gilbert, and suddenly Green Gilbert was back in his lavatory basin. "What happened Aunty?" he asked. "You've blown up your laboratory, I always said you would, but thank heavens you're alright". Gilbert picked himself up and dusted himself down. "I hope this will be a lesson to you", said his Aunty, "but I'm glad it happened, it may have knocked some sense into you, God moves in strange ways". "He certainly does", said Gilbert.



The End


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